I don't think anyone was ever mugged by the Orange Bowl, personally. Anyone except me, of course.
Yes, I was mugged by the Orange Bowl. I was walking by it, late one night, when I heard this tremendous lurch. I don't know what a lurch sounds like, but it scared the crap out of me, let me tell you. So I looked over at the sports arena, and was it my imagination, or had it moved?
No, how could it? It's a giant monstrosity, a stationary edifice. How could it move even one inch? My mind was playing tricks on me. So I looked away, and walked on.
But then I heard the lurch again.
The sound scared me, and so did my suspcisons. You see, as I looked back at the Orange Bowl, it appeared to me as if it had gotten closer. Pigeons were flying all around it, as if they had been stirred from pleasant slumbers.
But no, I was imagining it. I had to. But still I could not deny, the giant arena appeared as if it had somehow inched closer to me. I stared at it intently.
And then it moved again, right when I was looking at it.
I was terrified. It kept right on lurching, unconcerned by my terror. Lurch lurch lurch. What was worse, it was lurching over to me. The air was filled with the sound of its lurching. LURCH LURCH LURCH. Car alarms were going off, (LURCH LURCH LURCH), plumes of dust and dirt rolled out from underneath it with every step, (LURCH LURCH LURCH), the earth shook with its heavy tread (LURCH LURCH LURCH) until it finally, inevitably, inexorably, towered over me.
So there we were, standing feet away from each other. It seemed like it was an eternity while I waited in its shadow. I looked up at its gargantuan bulk. An unimaginable weight of girders, masonry, and concession stands were hanging over me, like some concrete wave of animated inanimate object, just waiting to crash and obliterate me from this life.
There was no escape. I knew there was no place I could possiby go nor speed I could possibly reach that would save me from this wave of mutilation, should it decide to visit upon me its fury. I had no defense. So I simply waited.
Until it spoke.
"Hey, man," it said. The voice came from its announcer speakers somewhere within the arena, but this was no sports caster, believe you me. This was the voice of a rumbling slum. It echoed into the night sky, until finally dissipating.
A stillness settled in. I realized it waited only for my response.
"Yes?" I said. What else could I say? I could see the girders there, the concrete stairs and ramps, the premium box seats. Box seats of DOOM, I tell you!
"Hey, man," it repeated, echoing. "You gotta cellphone?"
You must be asking, "What would a stadium need with a cellphone?" I wasn't about to ask it, you CRACK-HEAD!
Did you not read above? MILLIONS of metric tons of concrete DEATH hung over MY head!
Lucky for you and your damn curiosity, the Orange Bowl spoke again, apparently prompted by my silence.
"My baby's momma,she waiting to pick me up,man. But I got no quarter to call her on the payphone. Can I borrow your cellphone, one second? I give it right back."
I did not want to imagine what sort of offspring the Orange Bowl could produce, or what manner of creature it could produce it with. And I also didn't want to give it my cellphone, god damn it!
"Sorry, I don't have a cellphone," I lied. Could he tell? I felt incredibly brave. I was, in hindsight, unbelievably stupid.
He looked me over. Don't ask me how, he just did.
"Man, c'mon. I know you have a cell. I just need it for a second. Please" This last plea echoed in the air, like the Hurricanes had just scored a touchdown. He was getting closer. I could smell it. Discarded soda cups and hot dog wrappers fell from the orange abyss of his bowl,landing on top of my head.
I couldn't take it anymore. I would just have to hope for the best. "All right, all right. Here," I said. I handed him my cellphone, and he took it. Don't ask me how, he just took it, okay? He just did.
He didn't say a word. He didn't call anyone either. He put the cellphone in the nosebleed seats, and just looked at me.
"What?" he said. "You got a problem?"
God Damn it.
"No, man," I said. "We're cool." Shame swept over me, and I lowered my eyes.
The Orange Bowl didn't say another word. It turned around as if I wasn't even there, and lurched back to where it came from. And I was out one cellphone.
Or maybe I was drunk.
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