When I was younger...

When I was small and insignificant, every so often, I had a strange feeling, as if I was looking into my life from outside my body. For a split second I would feel disoriented. What the hell am I doing here? My life on the school bus, at the park, from afar, in a little screen, with a black background. Eventually it would pass and I would get on with my life, eating lunch, doing homework, talking with other small and insignificants.

Were these just flickers of my imagination, back when I had one, back when I was in the most creative stage of my life? Were they cerebral malfunctions, where my brain slipped for a moment, like deja vu? Or was it just another case of bad editing?

I mean, I know I am fucked up in the head. I would get stricken sometimes (panic attacks??) with a sense of speeding. My mind going too fast. A slowing down of reality where I could feel its repetitive pattern pulsing through my head in a psychotic beat I could not hear yet from which I could not escape.

After a while it would pass, or I would get used to it. And now that I have been set in motion, long ago like a pendulum, I see that it all really doesn't make a fucking difference.