Quarters
by Dr. Knowledge – April 5, 2001
filed under Ask Dr. Knowledge
Today's lesson is about QUARTERS.
Wow! A web-site that sells quarters! Now, through the magic of the internet, you can BUY quarters, that is if you have enough money. But for some reason, they are selling quarters for upwards of $300! I don't know about you but if I wanted to "buy" a quarter, it shouldn't cost me more than a buck or two, but $300! How do these guys stay in business? Well apparently its from their product descriptions. If you put "creamy white, premium quality beauty" on web-site, you are sure to get tons of hits. My favorite part of this web-site were the scans. They found it necessary to scan like 5,000,000 images of quarters. I mean, once you've seen one you know what a quarter looks like. I decided to search Yahoo auctions for quarters and it turns out a lot of people are apparently brain dead. I found quarters selling for upwards of $500! Example auction: Like, uh, I got a bag of 16 quarters, so that's like worth $4.00. Bid if you want 'em! Starting Bid: $4.00 Current Bid: $1972809180928098108920.22 Number of Bids: 3
Well being a SANE lover of quarters myself, I was overjoyed to see this pop up in my search results. Heck, pets should have quarters too! But for some reason I couldn't find a single quarter on their site. Friggin' liars. I sent them an email asking what the hell was going on. I'll keep you updated. 
I had been avoiding all the search results for "No Quarter" because they only discouraged me. Hell I am looking for SOME quarters buddy. Damn search engines. Well this link was worth it! FOUR QUARTERS!!! Well, at least at first. This site doesn't have goddamned thing to do about quarters. It's about some school run by insane Indians. Read: "Each morning, sessions begin with a 'cleansing' ceremony. This ceremony is where students pay homage and respect to their higher power. Students are encouraged to participate, as this is seen a way to help the students to become well-grounded before the talking circle begins. A "talking circle" then takes place after the cleansing. Each student is given the opportunity to share their personal insights, with respect to their learning and its affect on their lives." A quarter is like a talking circle sometimes, but only if you stare too long and its late at night. Captain Quarters This page is a waste of space. Not one fact about quarters on it. But it did have a fun Alaska fact. Alaskan's only form of entertainment is painting on tree fungus. Don't believe me? read: "Conk; Alaskans apply this term to a type of bracket fungus. The platelike conks grow on dead trees. When dry and hard, conks are snapped off and used to paint on." I tried to paint on my conk but it was too hard and it snapped off.
This was intriguing. What the hell makes a quarter fat? I mean, poor quarters! When I searched for Quarter Diets I found nothing. NOTHING! What a tragedy. We better start a telethon soon because it appears they are not only fat but slaves, given away to club members.
Well you can have a lamb as a pet, so I was again overjoyed to see this link. But apparently Lamb's Quarters are poisonous! Well to goats. And since you can have a goat as a pet I figured it just cancelled itself out right there. :( On the other hand I did find a cool message board for people with lambs and goats. quarters re: how many Since the people on that message board weren't very bright, I sought a place on the internet to chat with neurologists from Harvard. These people are out there. WAY OUT THERE. Sample thread: Do you have to have to qualify anyway? please make your question plainer WTF???????????????????????????????????????
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| - | Dr. Knowledge fantasizes about being quartered. |
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original URL: mopkin.com/columns/article.cfm?id=21