Fingers
by Dr. Knowledge – April 6, 2001
filed under Ask Dr. Knowledge
Fingers are practically stuck to your hands. So why not find out something about our little friends, the fingers, right?
Yeah, baby! Hell yeah! Man I remember when CRAZY FINGERS were just an ordinary Grateful Dead cover band but what really distinguishes them nowadays is their extensive repertoire complemented by the technology of the nineties. Man I remember when they played with Frogwings! Man that show rocked! But dude when David Harris left they lost some of their magic, man. Like totally. Oh well, man, like ROCK ON! Celebs Missing Fingers This sounded interesting. I personally was expecting graphic photos on this site, but it turned out to be most text-based. It was VERY informative however. For instance did you know that CLAUS VON STAUFFENBERG's car hit a mine and he lost his right hand and fingers from his left? I didn't. Or that PAT HINGLE lost his left pinky in an accident? Me neither. It turns out that if you are missing fingers, you can't be famous. For example, none of the members of Crazy Fingers are missing fingers. Thank God.
One of my favorite fingers is the lil finger. As a finger it is completely worthless. Almost as useless as the lil toe, and the lil toe can't even move! It's just that the lil finger is the sentimental favorite when it comes to fingers. Whatever, it turns out this web-site has, of course nothing to do with fingers. It's name is referring to the people whose fingers are all lil, i.e. lil people. Which was kind of disturbing considering all the explicit content the site contains. Would you want your lil ones reading stories called "Time for potty." I mean, I was afraid to go to the bathroom after reading that one. Don't get me started on "Making Faces." And "Who's at the Zoo?" Well Dad apparently, and he's wearing a funny hat. Run for your lives lil ones!
I bet you have tons of old photos stuffed away in your drawers at home. Why keep stowed away when you can transform them into family heirlooms you can display for years and years and years? Now, through the wonders of some computer program this chick's husband bought her, your photos can be magically transformed into full color computer cross-stitch patterns!!!!!!! Read: "Not only will you find great joy in stitching your project but also bask in the warm glow of compliments from friends and family when you complete your one-of-a-kind Masterpiece!" Look lady, even if I was crazy enough to cross-stitch all my pictures, I sure as hell wouldn't pay you 6 bucks for each pattern. I would get my husband to buy me a computer program. I guess this web-site was designed for people without computers. I got a strong urge to send this women some porno pictures but just couldn't bring myself to do it. If you would like to, however, be my guest. Crazy Fingers Magick Touch How can you have a cooler title for a website? This site is awesome, even if it is only an entry point into the author's digital persona. I can kind of relate to the author's ideas. "I see little reason for including much content" Sounds like my creedo!
My research has revealed yet another startling fact. Not only does Japan own Hawaii, but they are slowly buying the internet! First www.hair-cuts.net now www.fingers.com! And the Japanese bastard owner is even cocky about it. "The Fingers Dot Com is here for me. NOT FOR YOU!" OK I added the not for you part. Well I guess picky clients would drive me to find my "hundred MB of freedom on the Internet", but at least I'm American. How would they liked it if I went and registered www.fingers.com.jp??
Avocado and Bacon Fingers Yipes. People eat fingers. With avocado and bacon. Well I tried the recipe, but couldn't find the required "3 rashers bacon." What the hell is a rasher? It doesn't sound good. Good thing these people are all the way in New Zealand. But spreading avocado mixture on my fingers does make them look good enough to eat. "I have made for lunch, I just toast the bread and spread it with the mixture. Yum!" Same Sized Fingers Doesn't it suck that rings have to come in all sorts of sizes? Wouldn't it be better if everyone's fingers were the SAME SIZE? It would be almost as useful as SQUID HANDS. Some people have too much time on their hands. They have nothing better to do than be on the internet all day long and talk about stupid thing like this. It is just sad. (Ed. Dr. Knowledge is NOT a hypocrite) "Use gene manipulation and put and end to varying ring sizes (-5 ) "  Fingers Product & Size Sheet I was glad to find that at least www.fingers.net was still in the hands of the Western world, yet I was even more amazed to find FINGERS FOR SALE! Yes, you heard me. They even have charts for picking your favorite size. What a wonderful idea! I've always wanted a few more fingers. Like fingers radiating from my wrists or maybe some lil fingers on my butt. 
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| - | Dr. Knowledge has got the internet fingered out. |
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original URL: mopkin.com/columns/article.cfm?id=29