Toilet Paper
filed under Ask Dr. Knowledge
Most people today (at least those with butts) have come to depend upon toilet paper to clean up after they take a dump. There are some cultures today that don't really use toilet paper. Some bathrooms in India, for instance, only have a wet towel. A wet towel. Just one. And in the middle east, some people just wipe their bums with one of their hands after number 2, reserving the other hand for eating and picking their nose. Then again, people on the other side of the world have other things to worry about than ass-crack hygeine, like if their family is going to blow up that day or not and why they hell they can't eat cows or pigs.
Whoa! How not to get chicks: follow them into a bathroom and make origami swans out of toilet paper. Keanu Reeves tried this and it worked. I think Keanu's main problem with getting chicks is the fact that he is gay. Isn't he married to some dude any way? That's what I heard. If only Keanu would save some of his artistic juices for acting. Don't get me wrong. I loved him in The Matrix (There is no toilet paper.) but he didn't even say anything the whole movie. He just flew around and KICKED ASS. And damn is Trinity hot. I can't wait for the future when I have a plug in the head and I can get knowledge pumped in directly 'cause learning from the internet is a slow process.
Did you know toilet paper can be dangerous? If you wipe too hard you can make your anus bleed. I wonder if this was a problem back when people wiped their asses with corn cobs. I remember this movie where a guy had this problem. He was bleeding out of his butt and...no wait it was his neck. Oh wait that was Interview With A Vampire. That was a disturbing part of that movie but it was great to see Tom Cruise choke on his own blood. That reminds me of a disturbing letter I found when i clicked on a link that said "Itchy" : Dear Dr Claire I saw my mum and dad look at my little brother's bottom with a torch in the middle of the night. They don't know I saw. The next day they gave him tablets. Why? Yours sincerely Vaughan Dear Vaughn Don't worry Vaughn! Your parents are just psychos. They gave him tablets to keep him doped up so he couldn't tell anyone. You are next. Yours sincerely Dr. Claire
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So what did Americans use before there was toilet paper? Toilet paper IS a relatively recent invention, after all. Trees were used for stuff like houses in the first half of the 1900's, not for wiping your hole. So Americans used corn cobs. I guess the ridges were good for scooping up poop scraps. (FAMILY FUN TIP: Teach your children about history by making them wipe their hinies with corn cobs. Get them to eat the corn first so they can try to fit the kernals back on the cob when they crap!) Later when mail order catelogs became popular, people cleaned up using pages from the Sears and Roebuck. Everyone got pissed when they switched to glossy paper. The shit just slid off.
| - | Dr. Knowledge needs TP for his BUNGHOLE! |
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original URL: mopkin.com/columns/article.cfm?id=59